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A new survey found that 25 percent of Americans will spend less on Halloween this year because of the government shutdown's effect on the economy. Which explains that new party game — “Bobbing for Ramen Noodles.” 
Stuck in a meeting? Just start yelling Omaha! Then grab your papers and run out of there.
When people hurt you, think of them like a sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you but in the end, you end up polished & they end up useless.
The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.
Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure
How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
"How much for the rosary?" "Sir, those are an@l beads."
I'm liberal but not Drive a Prius with a Coexist Bumper Sticker liberal.
PrisonPickupLines Did you fart? Because you just blew me away
Remember GENTLEMEN, you have to undo her bra to get a better look at her heart
"DRINKY POOS"- What a girl calls a few drinks trying to be cute. "DRINKY POOS"- What a guy has after a night of drinking.
Big Sunglasses: An ugly chick's best friend.
Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.
All icebergs are cold. Every last one of them. There I go, glacial profiling again.
I'm the kind of person who drinks hot chocolate and cappuccino in 90-degree weather and eats ice cream and drink ice slushies in 10-degree weather.
Whichever candidate promises to get rid of Nickelback and Justin Beiber has my vote.
iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > Blackberry
Illegals, America invites you to bring your families, our tax payers would love to provide you free health care, free food stamps, and free housing. You will never have to do anything again, just come to our country. What will come next?
Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig
I heard that girls like it when I play hard to get, So I've locked myself in my apartment & turned off my phone. Now, I wait. 