Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

   Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.

   I'm dedicating this status update to all the statusless people out there. Stay strong.

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   Sometimes words are not enough. That's why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   Time to get out of bed. The world is not going to dominate itself.

   Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.