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Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?” Me, “Please...I have a family.” 
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Amazon is on fire? That’s not going to mess up my Prime 2 day shipping… is it?
Facebook birthday reminders are great as they help me realize I have absolutely no idea who this person is to unfriend.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed "dust me" on my coffee table recently.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I found my boss eating peanuts the other day and I shouted.... "Why are you eating my salary?" And surprisingly, we laughed together.... Then he fired me...!!
*bursts through door while i’m using the bathroom* ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?!
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life? Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.
Can't wait to see what all the funny stuff will be come next week at this time, it has to gottten better.
[job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?
Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.
Hit the hay. Kick some corn. Slap a tomato. Establish dominance. You own this whole farm now.
True story: I met an Asian baby named Gary this morning, if any of you needed a pick-me-up. 