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Women do not understand men because they don't have to, Men don't understand women because they are crazy. 
I think all women can agree that bigger is better. Nobody wants a small bank account.
A cool way to second guess your entire life is to go online and read reviews of every movie you think is awesome.
Looks like ''Assdusky'' is going to be happy now! Lots of younger men, and for a long long time! Enjoy that Comfy bed!!!
Women want a man who can read them like a book, so long as he is proficient in braille.
I don't use Siri because I have to deal with enough b*tches who have no personality and know everything.
If your chinese store dont have bullet proof glass then your not in the hood.!
if family visits tonight dressed as zombies, I just might start palying "resident evil...the wii version"
If this day gets any longer I'm gonna have to take a second lunch..
exterminaters are just serial killers with no balls
I am the guy she asks to feel her legs after shaving.
The phone rang & I tried to answer the stapler..Yup its friday..chug chug
Im alittle experimental tonight and I tell ya, I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.
Can't wait till summer so I can enjoy long, romantic walks around tractor shows again....
Somepeople were born to be other people's cheerleaders and praise singers.
Woman first tempted man to eat; he took to drinking of his own accord.
Just saw an ad on my homepage that read, "Like Writing About Beards? Search For Careers Now!" - because if there's one thing we're really lacking right now, it's freelance beard writers.
Mecurochrome, the mercury our moms put on our cuts with a plastic stick..we had two choices, like it or lump it. We liked it
Your legs must be sore ..cause you've been stomping my dreams for years.
Winning money in front of somebody you owe WinFail 