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It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. 
If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
One wise Chinese fortune cookie says "When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out -- because that's what's inside."
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
The Queen has out lived the Prince
It's the end of his purple reign. R.I.P.Prince.
My kids were playing hide and seek and they took out their phones and took pictures and then tag them on facebook. Times sure has changed since I was a kid.
"Deeper," I moaned as the Chipotle guy scooped my sour cream.
At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.
In high school, I was voted 'Who is that? Does she even go to our school? Never saw her before'
Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
You really can't judge a person based on a single restraining order...
An optimist sees the glass as 1/2 full. A pessimist: 1/2 empty. An optometrist sees the glasses as 1/2 off with the purchase of a 2nd pair.
Do you have to buy a gift if the baby is ugly?
There are two kinds of people. People who will help me hide a body and people who ARE the body.
Seeing happy couples in commericals makes me happy because I know they're just actors and are probably single and depressed like me.
This baby monitor doesn't have a snooze button... 