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Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat. 
I just unzipped my skinny jeans and it startled me like a freshly poked tube of biscuit dough.
Worried about social distancing when you're out? Dress up as a clown and make it other people's problem
Do to the Coronavirus I have some concert tickets for sale, cheap! concert not included.
I'm at the store with my 2 kids. A guy asked me if they were twins. I told him, "One is 8 and the other is 4, why would you ask that?" He said, "I can't believe you got laid twice!"
Don't you hate it when you're angry for a certain reason, and someone makes you smile. It's just.... just... I'M TRYING TO BE ANGRY DAMMIT.
've got a pretty good pre-rapture music mix going: "End of the World as We Know It," Jackson Browne's "Disco Apocalypse" and "Before the Deluge." And, of course, "Stairway to Heaven." Any other suggestions?
The best way to make somebody remember you is,borrow money from them..
There is nothing wrong with saying no every once in awhile. It may piss a few people off but at least you will have some piece of mind!
Hide and seek undefeated Champion, Osama Bin Laden 2001-2011!
Say "Hi!" to Saddam for us, Bin Laden.
When I heard about Arnold, I immediately pictured Rosie from the Goonies!
At first I was excited that the Bulls game got pushed back, but when I found out Oprah's s\Secrets was not a new line of plus size lingerie I have to admit I was disappointed
It's International Womens Day ... thank you women... if it were'nt for women 1/2 of us wouldn't be here.......what? ....
How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color. Sincerely, colored people.
Dear NASA, Your mum thought I was big enough. Sincerely, Pluto.
Just try ask for a cigar break at work and see the reactions you get.
What doesn't kill me makes my wife go back to the drawing board and try just a little harder the next time.
The reason wedding invitations go out so far in advance is to give guests time to find something else to do. 