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Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here
Me: This is a service burrito 
Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”
Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them
A George Harrison memorial tree was killed by actual beetles. No word yet on if Davy Jones memorial was attacked by monkeys.
The vending machine gave me an extra bag of Skittles today, hope my Dad loves his Father's Day gift.
Frito Lay should roll out a new cinnamon sugar version of Cheetos called Sweetos, they will also help you acquire Diabetos.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.
Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.
BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.
Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.
Facebook didn't tell me it's your birthday is an awesome 21st century excuse.
They should totally turn that Game of Thrones show into a book.
Tips To Gain My Friendship: 1) Have a cat. 2) Show me photos of your cat. 3) Invite me over to pet your cat. 4) Be a cat. 5) Cat.
I don't wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.
Pokemon Go - Showing how easy it is to get sheep to follow.
My wife just put the kids to bed, now it's time to play Pokemom....
At least we Americans can feel better today knowing Canada's national animal is a rodent.
Often wonder if ax murderers hide in the woods or live in regular houses. Anyway, have fun camping this weekend. 