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How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty. 
Face off was probably the worst movie we watched as kids. Imagine believing Nicolas Cage’s wrist size face could fit on John Travolta’s massive head.
The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!
I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.
"The worst fault that people have is telling other people theirs."
Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person, but what you do with the booger will define you.
I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.
The secret to a happy marriage.... Jack Daniels on the rocks
Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!
I'm so old I remember when the UPS guy used to throw package on my porch and run away for no reason.
My girlfriend told me I snored like a gorilla last night. I told her it’s because I suffer from sleep ape•nea.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction ~Elena Gabrielle
I'm hard at work writing song lyrics which center around my offering a ride to those asking to be taken to Funkytown.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spray them.
Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!
I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!! 