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Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over. 
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern
I’m pretty sure the most dangerous mixed drink is alcohol and Facebook
Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!
Do necrophyliacs need dead batteries for their sex toys?
The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.
Screw the government, let's all smoke weed this weekend
...... Liberals to the Left of me .... Republicans to the right ...... Here I am ..... Stuck in the middle with you ......
LeBron James opted out of his contract but he re-signed for another 8 years of attention whoring.
Heck ... Getting into the DNC computers was easy enough for hackers .... Just think how easy it was for them to get into Hillary’s Private/Government server full of National Classified secrets and information that wasn’t even protected by a password
If you want help moving I can only assume you're not an adult. Adults hire movers.
I can't believe Rudy Giuliani forgot about 9/11 considering it's also his credit card pin.
Gonna write something about All Lives Matter but I suddenly saw Jared Fogle trending again.
Mexican: "Hey, lets make Mexico Great Again" Other Mexican: "What do you mean 'Again'? ese"
Staying focused is very challenging when there's so much porn on the Internet.
No Marijuana: Day 7 -More stamina. -Increased libido. -Decrease in mood swings. -Improved mental clarity. -I haven't slept. -3 people are dead.
The next time you think your job sucks image how the camera crew that follows around the Kardashians 24/7 must feel.
Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben. 