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Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food. 
i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.
Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.
I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.
"Hermit crab" describes me twice.
Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.
: Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.
Pyongyang can't party. It has no Seoul.
why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances
Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!
When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on."
do you realize that Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel?
I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.
If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.
Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You've got my Word.
Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.
Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing. 