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The BIG difference between men and women is that women will complain if they switched genders while men will appreciate the opportunity! 
was planning to do something today, but I havent finished doing nothing from yesterday
We had a happy marriage; it was all that living together afterwards that caused the trouble.
face down ass up that's the way I like to.... um pick up some change I dropped.
A drunk person is just an awesome version of a sober person.
I'll rather slip and fall in sh!t than fall in love with you!
just wore tampon applicaters as earrings in the mall and no one noticed.
People say, "You have to work on a marriage." No thank you. I already have a job.
Let's face it, if St. Paddy's Day wasn't about getting completely sh*tfaced, we'd be celebrating it in the same manner we celebrate Arbor Day. (Shaddap! That's funny!)
I pretty much need a girl to love me for what's on the outside at this point. The inside has been broken for a while and I've been trying to fix it with booze ever since.
You know you're getting old when the kids on the train think your 56k modem dial-up ringtone must be the new song by Skrillex,
Updates are like performing live music. Often the audience goes wild for your mediocre solo but sleeps through one you think is brilliant.
Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them.
Reminder: Everybody be sure to get your taxes in on time! We wouldn't want the secret service to go unfunded and miss out on the important work they must do!
Idea: A Roomba type of device that putters around the house and then shoots a deadly laser at anyone who says "bro" a lot.
When I think of a good status update in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it's too late.
I always collect hair from hairbrushes at party...that way, IF I decide to commit a crime, they'll think it was 23 different people, not me
went to an all you can eat restaraunt...I've been here 12 hrs...fixin to start breakfast all over again
the best jobs are the ones that require sweats an flip flops
I was raised by two really amazing parents, so you can only imagine how much work I had to do to turn out to be this $@^#&! of a person. 