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"I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo" - Said no Juan ever 
Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.
Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.
Didn't wanna say how hot it was in my room last night but 2 hobbits came round and threw a ring in it
I see that Charlie Sheen's planning a humanitarian trip to Syria. He says he wants to show them what a real disaster looks like.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Cruel irony: the owner of Segway died in a Segway accident yesterday. Google it, it happened.
Gotta get my ORAL workout: If two witches were watching two watches....then which witch would watch which watch?
really annoyed with the new Hollywood 3D Craze. There are some things you don't want to see in 3D, Jack*ss comes to mind.
wonders how come so many people "Roll On The Floor *Laughing*" (ROTFL)? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.
If you can't do the right thing, at least do the thing right.
If there's even a scrap of paper in a shopping cart, I pass on it. I came here for grocery, not scabies.
Furnace quit working and I woke up to a house that was 59 degrees. For a minute there, I thought I was married again:)
It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?
my nephew thought my Ex-girlfriend was part of the X-men...So I replied "no nephew, she just look like a Beast".
You're not Pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
"Hangover" makes it sounds like it's all done now. I'd like to propose the term "hanghappening".
Can someone please check on Cleveland? I'm concerned because they've been in the bathroom a long time. 