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Was that lightning?" Nooo... they're taking pictures for google earth 
Me: "Can we have Up Dog for dinner?" Mom: "What is up dog?" Me: "nothin just chilling
Dude, She just called you deaf.... "What?", She just called you deaf, "What?" SHE CALLED YOU DEAF, "Oh hell no my names not Beth.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
If you don't like gay marriage blame straight people. They're the ones who keep on having gay babies.
Everyone deserves to be treated equally. It doesnt matter if your gay or black or a woman or normal.
My dentist saw The Lion King twelve times.
Here's an idea. While everyone is taking a knee for the National Anthem, let's stop the music and announce "Since we are all kneeling, let us pray....."
I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase
if you have ever pushed a door that said pull .
so "Diet Pepsi" and "Diet Coke" are now linked to increased weight, diabetes, risk of stroke/heart disease and they ruin your taste buds.... Can we change the name now to just "Gross Tasting Drink"?
i'm going to open a asian restauraunt on a boat and call it the Thai-tantic
Dear haters, I'm not your enemy. I'm your hero.
4 out of 5 voices in my head say “go for it”
This vodka diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.
The words that sunk a million hearts... "Let's just be friends"
When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.
Dear Vancouver: Did your rioting get your Canucks the Stanley Cup? No? That's what I thought.
I want Mythbusters to find out if fat girls really do give better head!!
Are you cold?" No dumbass, I'm on fuc?ing vibrate mode. 