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Why is it that whenever I wish someone a happy birthday they always assume Facebook reminded me? Do you ever think maybe just maybe I care that much to remember the day you were born. 
Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.
I'm a T-Rex, my arms are too small to wank so I'm always angry
..poked in the heart and you're to blame..you give Facebook a bad name..
I make them say ahh, just like I'm your doctor.....All I prescribe is cranberry and vodka
Happy Christmakwanzzakkah
I don't think I'm better than others, it just so happens that so far, statistically, I am
Loves the smell of burning rubber, but I probably should have told her the condom broke
behind every strong girl is an a$$hole who made her that way
I shot my first turkey yesterday....scared the crap out of everybody in the frozen food section!
angrier than a piano player in a marching band.
OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Okay. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec." MURDERER: "K."
I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.
The saddest part of the recession is all of the laid-off workers at the C+C Music Factory
I thought Billy Crystal was a type of meth.. #Oscars
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is stuffing the turkey. By turkey I mean the hot cashier at the grocery store.
If a polar bear could survive on the Sun, I guess it would be a solar bear.
If her shoes still light up, she's too young for you.
So now that Osama came out and saw his shadow and got killed does that mean we still have 2 more years of Obama?
This huge fat girl asked me how she looked in her short tight dress... I said PRECIOUS! 