lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Jesus is on Twitter, but unfortunately he's only got twelve followers.

   Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar.Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.

   If you're going to have two faces, you'd think you'd make one of them attractive

   People used to protest things... Now they just join Facebook groups named 1,000,000 strong against ___________ .

   Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"

   ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.

   ...is a Vagitarian. :-)

   Anything that is not about elephants is irrelphant.

   .menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... ever notice how most womens probIems begin with men?

   I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

   ..5p from every voodoo doll she sells is going towards the Haitian quake relief. The Gordon Brown one is selling like hotcakes..

   I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away

   I don't know who example555@hotmail.com is but I wish he would stop using my MSN Messenger.

   If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

   If I didn't use the bus,i would never have a man opening a door for me.

   ..just quit her job washing cats. I hated it! I could never get the fur off my tongue.

   I was watching some trailers at my local cinema when to my surprise a movie came on.

   My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   The other day I threw a boomerang at a ghost. I knew it would come back to haunt me.