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What I wanted to do in 2015: drink water and eat healthy. What I actually did in 2015: drink margaritas and eat tacos. 
When I undress you with my eyes I immediately redress you with my eyes because it's January and very cold out.. and I have very considerate eyes.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're proably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!
I would start smoking meth if that's what it took to get another season of Breaking Bad.
Does the Spanish version of Match.com say "Find the Juan for you."?
Sometimes I'll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Skinny jeans should not have pockets.
Life has handed me a lot of things. Except lemons. The great mystery of life for me has not been "Why are we here?" or "What is my purpose?". Actually I'd be happy just finding out where exactly the free lemon line is.
After our breakup, my ex once begged me over and over again to go out, or as my lawyer called it "Violating a Protection Order"
We naturally want a girl in our lives. Girls only like ass-holes. Guys become ass-holes to adjust. It's natural. Don't blame us.
My phone acts like it's been violated by my computer. Everytime I plug it in it asks me if i'm sure I can trust the computer. Drama queen.
I think premature male baldness should be the next race card..
When I said I was good in the kitchen, I assumed you meant being bent over the dishwasher.
I should sell t-shirts "I survived the Polar Vortex of 2014"...
My dog acts like every leaf blowing in the wind outside our door is going to murder his entire family. It's like, grow up
Coronavirus Deaths: 216,000 Medical Malpractice Deaths: 400,000 You're safer getting Covid than going to the doctor.
If your choice ever gets down between a "Liar" and an "Orangutan" .... You should know that even an Orangutan can be controlled ..... but a Liar .... Will.... ALWAYS ... deceive......
Iran bans on all Americans from entering their country. So much for my "Tehran Endless Beach Tour". Sandy beaches, everywhere, as far as the eye can see. So sad.
I was going to moving to Russia if Hillary won the election. . .
Even if you don't believe in the Mayan calender, somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking "I wonder if that sh!ts for real"..... 