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In many cultures, it's considered good luck to be bitten by Luis Suarez. 
When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.
How much for the torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn't a real sport.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
judging by the adds google has picked out for me I live a pretty crazy *ucking life
Texting wasn't always easy, in my day you had to work for it...You had to want it...You need an S? You better click that 7 button four times
Instead of saying "happy Halloween" I've been whispering to the kids "find me on facebook..."... I think I'll have a much smaller turn-out next year.
It's funny how a baby who wakes to eat and goes right back to sleep is a good baby yet, this is is definition of a crummy husband!
My Supervisor is complaining that he's tired of eating chicken all the time, as I sit here eating a "chicken flavored" cup of noodles.
I see you have all behaved well during this year and for your present, Justin Bieber is going to retire from singing. - Yours Santa
There are 364 days until Christmas and I already have my Christmas lights up and my Wife call's me a Procrastinator.
For heaven's sake, stop blaming yourself. I have already done that for you.
when Justin Beiber gets killed it wont be a tragedy but natural selection at its finest.
Its not attractive to constantly look surprised! So get your crayons out and sketch a different pair of eyebrows please
Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.
Kill Whitey - Beyonce probably
No Romney, we haven't forgotten about what you did to all those businesses with Bain Capital or your "binders full of women."
Somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a huge gap of information.
Just got caught stealing a book, I explained that I'm dyslexic & thought it was the 'help self' section. 