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Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no. 
A man who has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings
I confess that for years I thought 'Ass-less Chaps' referred to skinny British Guys.
An important fact about women: They just want to b!tch about their problems. They don't want advice on how to fix them.
Women. Can't live with them, can't smell their hair without getting an erecti0n.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else
I just changed the name of my wireless network to....♫ ♪ Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi ♪ ♫
I hear some are saying beyonce was never pregnant that someone else was carrying the baby.. I bets its Destinys child...
Only use deodorant under one arm....that way you know what you would have smelled like.
The condoms I use are so sensitive thet stick around to talk to the chick for an hour afer I leave.
What not to say to a cop if your pulled over: What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" YOU'RE the trained specialist.
Who the hell put the sun on HIGH?????
If you have alzhiemers and get amnesia....Do you forget that can't you remember anything?
Went into the Opticians and told him that I could see 9 years into the future. He examined my eyes and nodded in agreement. "You've got 2020 vision"
People kept telling me all day I looked hot!... Then I realized it was probably coz I was sweating like a pig in this frickin' heat...
My EX was like "We can still be friends" damn is like saying "Hey, the gold fish died but we can keep it"
May the itch of a thousand crabs affect the one who ruin my day...and may their arms be too short to scratch.
While you are enjoying your BBQ's, cookouts, and family get togethers! Please remember what this Independence Day truly represents! Happy Birthday America! Still the greatest Country in the World!!
323 deaths attributed to modern sporting rifles; 195,000 deaths due to medical malpractice.... Well, looks like that makes ObamaCare 603.7% more deadly than an assault rifle.
It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row. 