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Girls say the only man they can trust is their dad, men say the only girl they can trust is the one they're having an affair with :P 
My girlfriend never says what she means, but drops hints and leaves clues she wants me to try and figure out. Its like I'm dating the frickin' Riddler!! Well I'm not Batman so she is SOL.
Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.
love is a social disease.
I'm mayhem.....no your not, your that guy who played on OZ.
roses are red, violets are blue, the moment you leave, I'm robbing you... Thank you Iphone GPS!
snoop dog is now an active member on nickelodeon. GREAT! if my son is walkin around with a cane and a purple jump suit with a blunt hangin out his face when hes 12 i'll know why.
Not everyone is meant to be taken seriously.
Jealous because my couch gets more a$$ than I do.
"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”
To be honest, I'm just trying to look busy until that new Muppet movie comes out.
I look forward to having grandkids, so I can share my wisdom. Mostly wisdom about Angry Birds, Angry Birds Rio and Angry Birds Seasons.
Trying to read a cartoon character's lips is the most frustrating thing ever
Don't go knocking on the devil's door and expect him NOT to answer
I think I may be confused...but I'm not sure
It smells like... FRIDAY!! (In case your sniffers busted.=)
pretty fly for a white guy
1965-2008: Minorities should be able to vote. 2008, 2012: Black guy elected president. 2013: Let’s rethink that voting rights thing...
Obama starts off every speech with a lie...."My fellow Americans"
Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?" 