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If people can now use pepper spray to get the last piece of junk at Walmart, then I'm going to start using it for unwanted meeting requests. 
If you have a favorite Kardashian, I have no use for you.
Life would be so much easier if chocolate was a health food and they allowed drinking at work
I am sorry I didn't recognize you back there. The last time I saw you, you had only one chin.
Got a note from Santa, said I was in the record books for being on his naughtly list for more than 40 consecutive years......... I guess he didn't appreciate my wish list as I got a return to sender with a LMAO attached......
All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine....
glad to hear that the IRS is finally concerned that some people have been trying without success to dial the IRS Taxpayer Assistance Hot Line since 1984.
eagerly anticipating getting off...of work that is ;-)
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
For a guy who isn't affected by gravity, I'm pretty down to earth
Don't try winning an arguement with a girl, they will ALWAYS win.
On this day in 1967 Mister Rogers' Neighborhood premiered. To this day I'm convinced that Fred and Mrs. McFeely had something going on.
I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.
Confucius says "Boy who goes to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand."
Beauty is only a light switch away.
"Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left."
I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?
The Laker's championship rings were so huge that Justin Bieber was seen court-side wearing one as a choker.
Liquor Treat!!! 