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If office printers weren't meant to fly they wouldn't have paper jams. 
For Jesus' birthday, I bought other people a bunch of stuff.
2 wrongs always equal a great night.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
I don't know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
Limited time offer for my middle linebacker friends....I will be your imaginary girlfriend.....but you had better show up at my funeral, dammit.
Manti T'eo is guilty...of being the biggest dumbass in the world...
Pizza delivery is no reason to put pants on.
"It's not what it looks like!" - said when something is exactly what it looks like
Good thing Salmon Wilcox is on the side with the lights or you wouldn't be able to see him.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire
I am terrible at making comparisons. I guess I'm alot like a taco that way.
At least he died doing what he loved: texting while driving.
Hamburger Helper is powerless if the hamburger doesn't WANT to be helped.
I really hope somewhere there's a dentist whose slogan is "We'll fill your cavities. And maybe later we'll even work on your teeth!"
I should run for political office to see what kind of shit they bring up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
National anthem of jamica isn't bob marley?
Show me on your minivan where did your life go wrong and spiral out of control?!?.
I should not be punished for you being stupid
I love cooking for my man because it makes me feel both independent and oppressed at the same time. 