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Q:How many games have the Kentucky Wildcats lost in their history? A: None... but they've been cheated out of a lot 
Wait. No more deep-fried Twinkies at the fair? Now how am I supposed to kill myself??
The problem joining Scientology is that you just know they'll give Tom Cruise the best spaceship.
The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is
ur as fake as my Christmas tree
December 7th, 1941. Never forget. I'm boycotting sushi.
"X the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you action. :) "... People who post things like this are why I fear for our future.
I'm home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed.
And with the 6th pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select Robert Denton ESQ, Defense attorney, Harvard.
There needs to be a bar that delivers alcohol so they can reduce Getting arrested
WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.
maybe vodka is addicted to ME
Guys in relationships would probably be happier if their girls would try blowing them more instead of everything out of proportion.
Two's company, three sounds like fun.
not all handsome guys have girlfriends. some of them had boyfriends.
My phone display is brighter than my future.
A man is incomplete until a woman comes in his life. After that.he is finished!
I’m drinking something. I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
be careful what you buy on Craigslist. I just bought front row seats to the Dookie Brothers concert...
I just saw pictures of my neighbor's 30 year high school reunion....Don't marry your high school sweetheart!!! 