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Has been thinking that people cheat on there wife all the time, but you never cheat on your mistress... thats just wrong 
Dear Alejandro! Please poke Lady Gaga's face with your disco stick so she can finally get what ALL her songs say and she can sing about something else... finally. Thanks :) Grace.
The New iPhone5 is out.. It now fits up your a$$hole!
Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in walmart was staring at me.
If two people in wheelchairs are having a conversation, is it considered mobile to mobile?
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"
"The names Pope Francis...but everyone calls me Psycho...Any of you call me Francis...and I'll kill you"
I went to the mall today and the power went out, I was stuck on the escalator for 30 minutes.
Dear Kim Jong Un, Mr Dennis Rodman didn't impress you? Well here let me introduce you to US Naval Seal Team 6!!
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Hillary is a super good person and would make a fantastic president not to mention a great piece of azz.... said no one EVER.
They should make women wear red wrist bands at the club if they're on their period so the fellas will know if she's worth buying drinks for all night
Let's change the name of the Republicans and Democrats to DUMB & DUMBER.....
just discovered that in Wingdings 2, the letters "M" and "J" are a white glove and a black hand. Michael Jackson conspiracy theory number 1...
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Guys with poodles, explain yourselves.
A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel hanging off his belt buckle. The bartender asks "What's up with the steering wheel?" The pirate says "Arrgh. It's drivin' me nuts."
You know the economy is bad when black folks can't afford to talk during a movie.
Barack Obama: The first black man in history to prove that he DID do the killing.
shooting Hoops. (Hoops is my neighbor's annoying dog that likes to crap on my lawn.) 