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My mom thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL" 
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be "Nobody" so when I see stupid crap people post, I can "Like" it. And it will say "Nobody Likes This"
Without that little voice in your head you wouldn't be able to read this.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity
At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!
Alzheimers: You wake up and wonder who's sleeping next to you, where you are, what you did the night before, why you're naked..... kinda like college, isn't it?
The true art of procastination is picking the correct task to put off that will eventually not need to be done anymore.
Would it kill Barney to just eat a kid every now and then?
You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.
someone just googled my status and said they knew I couldnt be that funny
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."
Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.
I just love waking up in the middle of the night to realize I still have time to sleep before work
Sometimes I like to masturbate big words into my sentences, even if I don't know what they mean..
Bleeched blonde hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man.
1 in 5 relationships now start online. The other 4 will end online. 