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Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes 
Today I photographed two bees having sex and I am not sure it is appropriate to post so you’ll have to imagine it.
Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything looks like a Summer's Eve commercial.
Eighty percent of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.
My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The evening news begins with good evening. Then they proceed to tell you why it not.
When one door closes, another one opens which is great-unless you're am idiot and you didn't notice.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline it logged me back onto MySpace
When I see names and hearts carved into a tree I don't think it's cute. I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.
People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.
Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"
Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.
Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.
Why is that when you apply for a loan at the bank the first thing you have to do is prove you don't need it?
Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.
My Great Great Great Grandfather Alex Would have turned 176 years old today. Please be aware of the dangers of Civil Wars.
Like my Pappy always said: If you're going to do something, do it rihgt.
Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.
Ladies, when I hit on you don't tell me that you're engaged. You're just currently booked. And bookings can be cancelled any time. 