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The couch just proposed to my buttocks. 
About 73% of the time, I just make up percentages
Taking a Klondike Bar and a condom to the local beauty pagent... I'm eagerly waiting.
It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble
not a single treat or treater walked behind my building and up 38 steps to my apartment....oh well, I guess that's 6 more cans of cream of mushroom soup for me!
If Hillary gets a pardon, General Petraeus , who Ive been hearing about everyday for the last 6 months better damn well get one too!
Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.
The week of the year when people buy gifts for people they don't wanna see, for a night they don't wanna go to, with money they don't have.
"You're not fat darling, it’s just that you’re… very easy to see."
Only serial killers pour milk before the cereal.
Q: Why does a dog lick himself? A: Because he can? .... No, because he can't make a fist.
Relationship status…just tried to reach for my cats paw & he pulled away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote
Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.
Just to be clear, since some people are so dense to understand this, we don't hate cops, we only hate the corrupted ones.
I never understood why the
Lions and Cowboys play on Thanksgiving.
Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins?
I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache. He says, "You mean aspirin?" I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."
No, I didn't gain weight over the holidays....I'm just retaining Christmas cookies, that's all....
What do you call a wolf that has everything figured out? Aware Wolf.
the greatest four words any one could ever say to a woman "have you lost weight?" 