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Going to break the awkward silence. 
stalking you..look out your window
this status can only be read by someone SEXY:....try again.....again....maybe you are just not sexy?....one more time.....hey don't force it ugly!!!
hasn't met Mr Right yet. But she has met Mr Rude, Mr Cocky and Mr Cheap.
waiting under your bed....
like a virgin... well at least that's what I'm saying to clear up those nasty rumours :D
's insurance doesn't cover PMS
build a man a fire, and he is warm for one night. SET a man on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life!
he is going to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
a giant hangover octopus stuck to my head.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
wants a footlong from Subaway...or something else with same amount of inches or greater... :)
The best way to deal with voicemails is to simply not return them.
Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"
It's ok, other ethnic groups. I'm afraid of drunk white chicks, too.
Anyone who isn't schizophrenic these days isn't thinking clearly.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.
Pro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.
I said to the nurse "You're such a nice person. Will you come visit me when I'm out of the hospital?" She said "Well, I would except graveyards are such creepy places." FML.
I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today. 