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a wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do 
The inventor of Doritos is dead. Somewhere, the inventor of Bugles is playing "Taps."
What's the definition of a gay midget? A LOW BLOW!
dealin with backstabbers there was one thing I learned.. they are only powerful when you got ur back turned.
Attended a group exercise class using Shake Weights. We had trouble getting our rhythm at first but we finally all came together at the end.
some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress but when they're held for pleasure, their the balls that I like the best
I see L.A. as a beautiful blonde with dirty underwear.
I'm as nervous as a postman at a dog show.
To whoever said "fight fire with fire": do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
I suspect my Girl might be OCD because she performs a few bizarre rituals. For example, she just made our bed. Who does that?
Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.
You know what's awesome about working out? Not a damn thing.
thinks it's wrong when you go to a strip club and the sign says "Tonight only, all you can eat crab"
Am I the only one that hears the ice cream truck, and reaches for the gun at the same time?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great a$$ and a trust fund.
The next person who suggests that, when I die, I should leave my organs to medical science is really gonna get a piece of my mind.
when I was a lil kid I thought picking toys in the toy store was hard, now that I turn 21 picking alcohol in the liquor store is harder.
Today's forecast: Insanity with scattered crazies.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update. 