Funny Status Messages

   says it's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom....

   9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 100 are geting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate

   it's a status....not your diary...

   I think it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a merry Christmas... poor guy... :-(

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.

   Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What's your name?!

   Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.

   I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.

   I'm not shy. I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?

   red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is....

   Knows you're getting old when you watch a porno and think "Oh that bed looks comfortable.".

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.