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Tell the haters to keep it to themselves...we call that MASTURHATING!!! 
Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.
They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Supplies! -Asian surprise party
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
Turns out black ice causes 70% of wrecks in the winter. They should rename it asian ice.
Fun Fact: The 2nd amendment is why we have the other 26 amendments
Its a shame when BLM cant read their own signs
If you aren't on the Grand Jury in Louisville then your opinion is $hit...
The higher the crime rate in an area the better the chicken wings
Wow! That shirt is hideous!!! It really compliments your face.
why is it that when I see a pregnant woman and her man, I always tend to picture them having sex??
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).
wondering if Tiger Woods is dreaming of a White Mistress?
A pedestrian just hit me and went under my car.
Man Ive been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, have a stuffy head, and a fever... is there any kind of medication that I can take for that and it will help me rest???
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
It's official Bert & Ernie has been sharing the same bedroom for 40 years now! Happy 40th Birthday Sesame Street. 