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You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe 
When I'm calling someone, while the phone is still ringing, I rehearse to myself how I'm going to say hello..
Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you "Yeah.. So is a grenade.?
I love eavesdropping on people's private conversations. Always hoping I hear something that leads to me foiling a terrorist plot.
I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.
New Years Resolution #26: 'Not use the F word in every other sentence'. So far, it's going pretty fu*king well.
If we are having sex and you say "give me all of it" I'll automatically assume you mean my money.
so, guns accidentally discharge at 3 different gun shows today. Man, talk about irony...
Listen. If you're ever asked if you've taken deer antler extract, "No. Never." isn't quite as convincing as "WTF is deer antler extract?"
I hate making phone calls so much I'd probably skip my one and just stay in jail.
Conspiracy theorists are paid for by the government to distract people from actual government conspiracies.
Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.
"A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.
Understanding is what allows someone like me to tolerate someone like you.
My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.
A man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck turns the head exactly the way it wants.
just found a frosty spilled all over the Wendy's bathroom floor. That must be why the guy came out sweating red in the face. I'd be mad too if I dropped my frosty!
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
taking a shower - don't flush!
Canadian teen idol Justin Bieber scored a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. It's official, the world is coming to an end... 