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Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you. 
If you have a problem with me, call me and we'll talk about it. If you don't have my number then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.
ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year.
Thank you for understanding.
I just cleaned my house by turning off the lights.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers arse.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?
I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !
2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.
Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :( 