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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight. 
Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.
French toast is just toast that's surrendered.
Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.
My phone has better health insurance than I do.
Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'
Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant?
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.
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The winds of change can blow me.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !
Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.
If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out? 