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The world isn't going to end today. Anyway, I'll check the status of my joke after the Winter Solstice, I can't get a signal in my nuclear bomb shelter... 
What's it called when you can't commit to a girl for more than a month but you've been using the same brand toothpaste for 15 years?
My relationship with pizza is the only relationship that has never failed me.
I can’t express to you in words how much I love you and that’s why I’m at your house setting up candles and sharpening your knives.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who's status you did not like...
You don't just spontaneously end up this drunk at this hour. It takes several years of practice.
Religions change; beer and wine remain.
Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back the whole entire area was gone.
If cars ran on BS, we would all have a full tank..
Im sensing a global nervous laugh...
The most beautifull blessing that can ever be given to anyone:"May the worst day of your future be better than the best day of your past..."
There's always that feeling of relief when you run in 10 minutes late for class, and it turns out that your teacher is later than you.
First of all bro if you want to have a more manly image, you need to ditch the zebra stripe seatcovers.
I can use facebook for things other than finding a partner now that I can count on the gas pump to screw me
Peace out, Osama... tell the Devil I said, "Hey" when you get back to where you're from.
Its funny how Governments evolution is opposite as to mans evolution.
I should have invested money in companies that manufacture Locking Gas Caps
Double-fisted- when you're so drunk, you forget you had a full beer and order another one.
Being out of shape takes the pressure off at the gym. When that pretty girls winks in your direction, you can be sure it's the toned guy behind you. 