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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded... Track number 5 will blow your mind. 
HELP WANTED: Seeking motivated and goal oriented individual to validate me on the internet.
Me: I need to ask you a serious question. GF: OK! First, let me get my mother, sister, BFF and college roommate on speakerphone!! Me: OK, why does a wool sweater shrink when you wash it but sheep don't shrink when it rains??
I'm too tired to order anything for dinner so I guess I'll starve
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
When OJ gets out, he going to kill it on Tinder.
According to a RAND study from June 2016,. The researchers concluded that these treatments would increase health care costs for active-duty service members by $2.4 million and $8.4 million annually, Have to make obamacare cuts somewhere.
My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.
To err is hunam!!
My wife now has a broken nose and a black eye because wouldn't listen to me. I said "Honey! Look out for that lamp post!"
They should make a "How It's Made" episode on how "How It's Made" is made.
I don't like making plans because then the word "Premeditated" ends up as part of the charges.
Hurricane Irma rescuers, rescues air jordans from rising flood water at a foot locker store.
BOUGHT A CAN OF WD-40 AND THE LID WAS STUCK ON TIGHT, SO I HAD TO GO BUY ANOTHER CAN OF WD-40 TO OPEN THE OTHER CAN
they say you have to go through hell to get to heaven,i wish I brought my gps with me cause I'm lost.lol
Instead of reading Hugh Hefner's obituary I'm just gonna look at the pictures.
View the world the way you would like it to be, and not as it is. It's less stressful.
Don't be sad over the things you lost. Be grateful for the things you still have. Enjoy your day. :)
It's October...Which means it's time for people to put up the Christmas decorations they took down in July.
If you ever see me running, follow me. The liquor is about to close. 