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Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead? 
This offends me as a vegan transgender atheist German engineer who vapes organic decaffeinated compressed soy breast milk on the regular and a person who does Indian naked crossfit yoga 5 times per week.
Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar.
When someone tells me their baby's name is Chance I just assume it's because the condom broke.
The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink.
In the 16th century guys named Gaylord were the toughest son's of b**ches around.
And soon it will be Thanksgiving. The only time that its acceptable to eat stuff out of a birds ass.
Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day. Decisions like "Which children's toy is giving up its batteries for mommy?"
This status is brought to you today...by the neighbor's router
Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam..
Add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans.
Do these corduroys make me look like I have the Felicity DVD box set?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?” -Inventor of grapefruit
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
If you're wondering what all the talk about "Karens" means. It's a large group of women in charge of the homeowners association.
I started wearing a mask before everyone started doing it, but then again I've always been a trendsetter like that.
My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever
price doesn't always equal quality. A 50 dollar hooker works harder than 250 dollar hooker.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume 