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Put on clean whitie tighties...Check. What other falling satellite preparations should I be making??..... 
I'm not into sports, but I'll watch women's beach volleyball if it's on.
Just put on the pajamas I'd like to be buried in, so no, I don't think I'll be going out tonight.
I get offended when people assume I think and care about them.Who died and made you money?
At work, first they tell me that they don't pay me to think, then they ask me what the hell was I thinking. Then I told 'em," You said you don't pay me to think!" Jeez, make up your minds!
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end ya get the faster it goes.
It's got to be interesting for those kids from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition when they become teenagers Imagine trying to bring a girl back to your place. "Hey baby, ever done it in a bed shaped like a T-Rex's head?"
Ladies: If he had to run to the car to scrape up some change to buy you a drink do yourself a favour and walk away.
Facebook: A place where you can make your life look like something it's not.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine the mission.
When you give it all you got, you sometimes end up with nothing.
There would be a lot less entering of "Do not enter" areas if they didn't have a "Do not enter" sign.
I have come to the conclusion that I need more whipped cream in my life.
Heeey, it's Tinder Tuesday! *logs in* Yep. I'm still unlovable within a 50-mile radius.
What time will humans be inside so I can go grocery shopping alone?
I never thought the thug life would involve so many bills.
Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody
When asked what's the capital of Greece? Greece is bankrupt and it has no capital.
60 And Pregnant #UnpopularTelevisionShows.
Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost.... *Goes to Ikea. 