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Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer. 
I drink a shot of whiskey a day to toast good life & fortune and then the rest of the bottle because I like being drunk.
Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse, sorry I mean Sarah Jessica Parker.
Can you guys just make me famous so I don’t have to work anymore.
All men are Millionaires … at least by sperm count....The funny truth is ... Even these millions are spent on women!!
Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.
What's it called again??? Oh Yeah, BOOZE!!!
Everyone comes with baggage...Find someone who is carrying Gucci baggage.
If you ever think you're ugly just remember it's because you are.
It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o'clock.
FACEBOOK – A place where couples wish they were single and the singles wish they were couples.
Honk if you hate car horns.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
When you DIE, your True friends will cry. While your Best friends will collect 7 Dragon Balls, just to bring your life back...
If you can spell chlamydia or gonorrhea without spell check, my money is on you having had it a time or 10 too many.
I have no idea where I'm going and I like it that way. It's called living.
I see your narcissism and raise you Vaingloriousness!
My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"
When you love someone you take interest in their interests or at least pretend to.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news. 