Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   I didn't realize until Facebook that most of my friends are wannabe farmers, gangsters or cooks.

   I'm going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being awesome at everything."

   I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

   I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..

   On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?

   I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a tape of me trying to run in flip-flops.

   Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

   If ANY OF YOU were to invite me to come over and hang out inside of your pillow fort all day, I would be there - with booze.

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.