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I didnt know that world peace meant elbows to the head... 
I think they call it the LIFETIME network because when you are forced to watch one of those stupid shows IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Never "hood-slide" like Bo Duke on a hot summer day wearing cut-off jean shorts....
The best revenge for your EX, is inviting them to your wedding :)
the perfect husband: Brave Intelligent Gentle Polite Energetic Nutty Industrious Sensitive and if all else fails, read the capitals...
I blame Obama for the 1900 point drop in the Dow Jones, even though he has nothing to do with it.
If I use my stimulus money to buy baby chickens, does this mean we got money for nothing and chicks for free?
Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.
In honor of DMX, I encourage everyone to bark loudly at a random stranger.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women
President #42 was proven to be a Liar when he lied under Oath. President #45 who just happens to be the wife ofPresident #42 ..... Will be entering office as a Known and proven Liar Apparently people don't consider lying as a character flaw anymore.
I preferred “meta” when it was attached to “mucil.”
I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.
Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.
However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
You call it the love of your life, I call it a bottle of liquor.
If you are babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.
I finally got my shtt together but now it's too heavy to lift. 