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If someone's calling from a blocked or unknown number, I like to answer "Hasenfeffer Incorporated, Schlemazel speaking". 
is wondering why people ask tall people if they play basket ball but not ask short people if they work for willy wonka
Osama Bin Ladin has announced he's giving up. It's too tough to compete with B.P
if I wanted any lip from you, i'd rattle my zipper..
Slut (Noun) - A woman with the morals of a man.
I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.
I don't believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too.
If you missed the 3 seasons of McCain's funeral you can now watch it on Netflix.
If you caught a terrorist the same week of his crime instead of using it as a pretext to invade two countries, You Just Pulled An Obama
Want to keep your man from cheating on you, give him more BJs and make him more sandwiches and reduce nagging by 100%
swimming like a sperm with a purpose!
wounders If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
snow on da ground, snow on da ground, lookin' like a fool with yo car spun around.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.
People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become God.
In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.
For invisible powers that actually work maybe churches should consider installing wifi.
“Don't worry boss, I'll make you look like a genius!!” Joe Biden
The President's approval ratings are so low that the people in Kenya are now accusing him of being born in the United States !!! 