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Everyone be quiet for a minute. A stupid person's trying to think of something clever to say. 
in honor of it being 3 days into spring and so cold we will be barbecuing Punxsutawney Philly steak and cheese tomorrow
there should be a happy hr during the work day whos on board
Everybody knows that couple that should've broken up sixteen times already because they fight like kangaroos. "We're workin' it out" they alway say. Ummm no. You're "workin' it in."
.If you ever start to feel good about humanity, just spend five minutes in a Trader Joe's parking lot.
Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?
thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.
the reason why I don't watch most reality tv shows is because of the elimination round why does everyone leave quietly? I personally would come out swearing and breaking things best to end with a bang right?
wondering why after sweating on a hot day; a hot shower feels good?
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
If time travel were possible, my future self would've put a stop to that one girl from making those horrible songs. You know who I'm talking about, that Justin Beiber chick...
I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.
I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
starting a new cult for idiots and making Kool Aid
wondering if Hootie and the Blowfish had another name in mind in case that was one taken
Ent*tlement Programs are nothing but a massive ‘Ponzi' scheme that has been perpetrated on the American worker
Facebook is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.
searching for his next ex-girlfriend
when I'm in the shower I look down there and think to myself, "Either it's really small... or I have really gigantic legs."
wonders why they put the lime in the coconut 