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8yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?... Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?.. 8yo: WHAT !?!... Me: Goodnight, son. 
Plans for the weekend? Lie in bed and move just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
Dear annoying stalker,. Thanks for the confidence boost. Sincerely, keep it up.
I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......
Man, reality is relentless.
If Prince can kick Kim Kardashian off the stage I should be able to kick her and all Kardashian nonsense off my Facebook feed.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.
Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup.
I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.
May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.
It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use peppermint oil as a lubricant.
Some of these fools use money to attract women but then turn around and call those women gold-diggers. Its common knowledge that when you go fishing, you catch fish not a zebra.
I am sickened by people that put ketchup on mac and cheese.
I swear, If haters saw me walk on water they would yell out that it was because I didn't know how to swim.
Give me some of the major taboo examples among gullible women about themselves.
Sex with a balloon animal artist goes down hill pretty quick after he gets the condom on.
A junk drawer, but for feelings.
Do people on Facebook really believe someone when they tell them "your kid is so adorable"? Because they shouldn't. Ever. 