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I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever. 
Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.
So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.
Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.
One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.
:) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.
Colin Kaepernick + "Free Speech" = Free Agent!
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Please send your prayers out to the unsuspecting victim who will end up using the same cart of the guy I saw wiping his nose with his palm.
Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Momma, I hid my milk! -A Parenting Horror Story 