Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag! 
If you think your child is annoying, imagine what I think.
Don't let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you're an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.
12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”
If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.
The final Twilight movie and Lincoln both opened the same weekend. One is about a shameful, dark chapter in our history we hope never will be repeated. The other is about a president.
If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.
If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.
Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.
I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.
nothing better than waking up to multiple "like"s on ur facebook status
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.
I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." - Robert Frost
My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!
It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.
read that Toyota is asking all Prius owners to return cars to the dealerships as slowly as they possibly can.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!! 