Funny Status Messages

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to win didn't you?

   If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   i dont have trust issues, I just know people who have lying issues

   If I had a penny for every time I thought of you.... I'd have a penny.

   The only thing left for me to do is to walk on water, and even at that some people would snicker and say, 'What, you can't swim?"

   I'd probably get a lot more done if it wasn't for me.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!

   it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....

   someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch "Airplane" and they'll say, "I can't believe they used to just let people get on planes"

   expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

   There are only two people I trust in this world... One is myself, and the other one is NOT you.

   I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

   nothing better than waking up to multiple "like"s on ur facebook status

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.