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I don't wanna move in for a month. I just wanna buy you a beer. 
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.
The smoke smell you might have been smelling today was from Minnesota Viking fans burning their Brett Farve jerseys.
I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.
My body is not a temple…it's a distillery with legs.
I find it annoying when someone posts "Got the most exciting news today!" Then when asked what, it turns out to me something lame like "My cat is pregnant again."
says ok I ll admit It, I am a pervert . Now stop going on about it and grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
Just built a time machine, it's taken me days and heaps of uncooked macaroni. I wrote this tomorrow!
Vene, Vidi, Vacuum. I came, I saw, It sucked.
I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire....
People think that I'm too patronising (to put in terms that you'd understand, that means I treat them like they're stupid).
That awkward moment when your EX is you Doctor O_o!
Ladies this is your last chance before the rapture to send me pics of your breasts!!
My life needs more explosions and gaping plot holes.
"I don't regret destroying my earlobes with giant discs one bit!" - Every retard who has done so 5-10 years from now.
Nicki Minaj shut down her twitter account saying “A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that's what I did,”Can that same voice tell Justin Bieber to do it also..
Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.
It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine. 