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If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on. 
Before Twitter Americans had no way of knowing the illiteracy rates of their favorite celebrities.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.
I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home
I'll act my age when I'm 69.
If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
Heading to the pawn shop. We have an extra 5 gallons of gas and gonna make some money!
You look cute...in a National Geographic way.
Some guy in the NBA came out as gay. Let’s all talk about this irrelevant sh*t for a week now.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.
Irony: Putting Jodi Arias on suicide watch while she's facing the death penalty?
After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.
A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag! 