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I just finished my taxes...As much as I am going to have to pay...The least Obama could do is send me a photo of the family I am sponsoring!!!! 
can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.
My girlfriend came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Dallas Cowboys."
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig... It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
Have you ever watched a really funny video, shown it to someone else and you keep saying Just wait, it gets funnier?
An old guy asks his pharmacist about V*agra. The pharmacist says it works great. The old guy asks him if he can get it over the counter. The pharmacist said yes, if he takes six.
I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one
for an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, call your friends, and brag about it!
not shy -- I'm studying my prey.
planning on living forever- so far, so good
my goal is to stop drinking, smoking and swearing, holy#$#% my cigarette just fell into my wine. gotta go
I don't mind helping out Haiti but please...stop insisting they need more money. They don't... figure out a way to spend the rest of the $500 million and then talk to me about how "bad off" they are.
At what point did our country become invaded by insensitive @$$holes who lack empathy?
Before gaydar, it is widely suspected that gay men found each other using a cumpass.
What's big, red, and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.
YOUR WALLET: the only place our government is willing to drill..
's friend was hit by a Dodge, which he/she found both funny and ironic.
If you don't like gay people... blame the str8 people...they're the ones who keep having gay babies.
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
'Amber Alert' would be a bada$$ name for a stripper. 