Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.

   I've been hearing how nowadays 16 and 17 year old couples be spending the night at each other house. I'm not sure how y'all parents are but mine didn't play that sh*t.

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   I read a caption in the paper the other day. The caption read, "In the time it takes you to finish reading this sentence, 20 people will have died of hunger." How the hell do they know how fast I read? I had to read it again. I killed 40 f*cking people.

   Because of cell phones, kids today will never know what it's like to choke their friends with a phone cord.

   There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   It's that time of year again. Scary decorations, terrifying advertising, and random people going door to door. Election season.

   God made us all different. But when He got to China He thought...to hell with it... Copy, paste, copy, paste

   In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

   You have to speak to be heard, but sometimes you have to be silent to be appreciated.

   Men, if the Royal wedding has taught you one thing: Going bald doesn't matter as long as you own a Palace.

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   Thank you Facebook, for making stalking a little easier for everyone by copying comments we've written on other posts under our own recent activity so there's absolutely no privacy left.

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.