Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   The supreme court is just like regular court but with sour cream.

   Nothing says "I've made poor life decisions" like a couch in your front yard.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was a toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.

   The days of good grammar has went.

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   As my car slowly filled with water, the last thing I would hear was the calm measured voice of my GPS, "Recalculating route."

   I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward, his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already....

   I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”

   Just shredded cheese by hand. Sorry in advance for the pieces of nails and skin.

   I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."

   It takes 43 muscles to frown, and yet it's still not an Olympic event. Ridiculous.

   Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.

   Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."